Book shares stories of 'proud, popular' young gay men

Becoming Who I Am cover
 

Upbeat books like “The New Gay Teenager” (2005) have made Cornell’s Ritch Savin-Williams the go-to advocate for gay teens all over America.

Now Savin-Williams, professor emeritus of developmental psychology in the College of Human Ecology, continues a 40-year career of sexual-identity research with a new book, “Becoming Who I Am: Young Men on Being Gay,” that teens might recommend to their parents – after reading it themselves, of course.

Interview-based conversations with 40 young gay men corroborate the view of “Jared,” a 16-year-old from Tennessee: “Yes, there are happy gay teens who lead great lives but there is so much more in this area that can be done and I want to help.”

That’s not a new theme for Savin-Williams, a clinical psychologist and research scientist, who lately has insisted: “Today’s gay youths are living the life gay adults could only have dreamed about when they were young – they’re proud, popular, respected, happy and ordinary.”

What’s new is the unvarnished frankness with which gay teens discuss everything – from online hookups and their first wet dreams, to porn addiction and the fear of rejection.

“I don’t know why I decide [sic] to do this,” emailed “Jared” at 4:24 a.m., responding to a recently published article by Savin-Williams, “but I feel that if only for a brief moment someone will listen … and not dismiss as trash coming from a confused and inexperienced youth who doesn’t know what he wants…”

“I feel what you’re doing is incredible,” wrote high-school freshman “Anthony” after reading about Savin-Williams in the New York Times, “and I want to assure you it’s making a substantial difference in people’s lives…You are truly a role model…”

“Becoming Who I Am” is primarily verbatim stories from gay teens, talking directly to their peers, with advisory annotations from the author like, “Coming out and leading an authentic life can be incredibly rewarding and healthy.” Savin-Williams also places these stories in context about what we know regarding the developmental milestones of gay youth.

Speaking to teenagers, Savin-Williams admits that, at times, it’s not easy being gay in all communities or in all families. “It’s not always a pretty scenario being young and gay,” he said. “Yet most of you do quite well, weathering potentially adverse conditions.”

Savin-Williams, who served as an expert witness in court cases when the Boy Scouts of America was rejecting gay inclusion and acceptance, totally gets the irony of such near-tragic stories as: “In ninth grade when I came out…at the lowest of my depression … I made a suicide attempt because I wanted to fit in and not put up with all that shit. I slit my wrists really badly,” the young man told Savin-Williams, rolling up his sleeve to show the scars. “After I did it I realized I didn’t want to [die] and because I was an Eagle Scout I took care of it and wrapped it.”

Savin-Williams said of the typical millennial gay man: “His life isn’t fraught with rejection, harassment, isolation, wild sex, sexual diseases or lovelessness. He’s not naïve. He’s healthy, patriotic, rebellious, romantic and would love for America to wake up to the reality of his life.”

When Savin-Williams was an adolescent in the mid-20th century, a nervous parent’s obligatory “sex talk,” if it was done at all, went something like this: “Sit next to me on the sofa. Take this book. Let me know if you have any questions.”

In “Becoming Who I Am,” today’s not-so-nervous teens have a much better book to recommend.

H. Roger Segelken is a freelance writer.

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Melissa Osgood